Faking it

It's 20-some degrees out, and I was going to post tonight about making rice pudding (a requirement for the cooking badge). There's only one problem: I cannot come up with a food that sounds grosser to me than rice pudding. Sure, I've never eaten it. And sure, what's not to love? Rice? Fine. Milk? Delicious. Sugar? Yes please. Hell, Alton Brown has a version featuring cream and coconut milk, which can be nothing but tasty. And yet, the notion, or the notion of the mouth-feel, particularly, just gives me the willies.

Anyway, today I've been thinking about phoniness. In one way in particular -- faking illness. See, last night I was feeling pretty cold-y and out of it, and I was seriously considering calling out of work today. I didn't, though, and for one major reason: I am terrified of calling in sick. Or, more specifically, of calling in sick or otherwise declaring myself in poor health and of having someone not believe me.

This isn't something new. When I was a kid, I would tell my parents I wanted to go to school, almost no matter what, not because I was an enormous dork (well, I was, I mean, but that's not the point), but because I didn't want them to think I was trying to get out of gym class or something ridiculous. (This doesn't mean I was a particularly stoic kid. Just an antsy one.) Please bear in mind, of course, that I was never faking. But I was terrified of the accusation.

It continues today, but in slightly different ways. I don't worry about my parents thinking I'm faking sick anymore (yay adulthood), but even still, doctor's appointments and things like that make me kind of nervous. While I sit in the waiting room, I'm running through symptoms in my head. Sure, my knee swelled up like a grapefruit last winter when I tore my MCL, but did it really look bad enough? Was the doctor going to laugh at me? Would he think I'm a wimp? Am I a wimp? This is the opposite of the usual doctor anxiety, I think -- my sense is that usually, people who are scared of the doctor are worried it'll be worse than it seems. I'm terrified that what I think is painful or infectious or troubling isn't really bad enough.

I wonder: is this an artifact of being a sort of generally nervous person, or is it something else? I tend to be pretty driven (in many situations) -- do I want to be so good at being sick that it'll impress the doctor, which makes me resistant to admit to more minor illnesses? I'm really curious about this. Is this more normal than I think, or do I sound like a lunatic? I'd love your opinion.